My Heart-Broken Mother's Day

Hello All, Grace and Peace be to you from our LORD JESUS CHRIST!

Yesterday, I had one of those emotional days where all I wanted to do was cry. I felt like a big baby, but I have to back up on the story for you to understand.

My husband and I have always wanted children, ever since our wedding almost 14 years ago. A few months after our wedding day, we found out we were pregnant, and we were so excited, but the excitement was short-lived, because I had a miscarriage. We were so devastated. With our hearts broken, we placed our trust in GOD, and decided to trek on, not letting the loss of our child, keep us drowning in the mire of despair.

Our journey to have a child continued, and with every new pregnancy, came a miscarriage. Nothing the doctors did would help my helpless babes. After 9 miscarriages, and many tests, nothing showed as to what was wrong with my body, all I knew was that my body was a death trap for my wee ones, and my heart was broken.

I have been pregnant a total of 11 times, but no live births, and again, we place our trust in GOD for comfort. We trust GOD with our lives, and though I do not fully understand it all, I know HE would not do this to me on purpose to be mean, there is a reason and I will understand it all one day.

We decided that adoption could be a way for us to grow our family. We investigated all possibilities and decided to do a private adoption. GOD led us to our first child Brandon. We adopted him at birth. What a joy it was when we drove home from the hospital that day.

He is almost 7 now, and is so enthusiastic for life. I am proud to be his mom. Then the LORD led us to Alyssa. She is almost 14 now, and has been in our family for little over a year. We are so happy to have these two wonderful children. They are a true blessing from ABOVE.

The military led us to Belgium. We are living in the best place for fertility, Belgium has the best experts over here. Do you think this is a coincidence? I think NOT! It is a GOD-INCIDENCE! I had been to the specialist and found out that my thyroid was creating antibodies, and they were attacking the fetus as if it were the flu, killing all my babies.

Last year, I had my thyroid removed, this year, I had fybroids removed. We are at a time where we can try again to have a baby on our own. YIPEEE!!!

OK, now onto my emotional Mother's Day!

Last week I was late on my monthly visitor, and I became so excited to think I was pregnant again, and this time, I might carry to full term! I waited until yesterday morning to test, and it said "NOT PREGNANT"! I was so hurt! I really thought I was pregnant! My friendly visitor arrived yesterday afternoon, and all I kept asking GOD was, "Why?" "Why on Mother's Day?" I was so emotional, I cried the whole day.

Then GOD whispered to me, "Do not be upset over the child you do not have, and celebrate the two you do have." I was taken aback! Wow! How could I let myself be dragged emotionally like that! The enemy is so sneaky! I have 2 amazing children, and if they are all I have, then I trust GOD with that. I know HE knows what is best for me in my life, plus, as a friend reminded me last night, GOD HAS A BETTER YES COMING.

I sometimes try to understand what GOD's plans are, but I believe, it is better to just simply trust, and obey. In 1 Samuel beginning in chapter 1, Hannah was married to a man named Elkanah. Elkanah had another wife too, her name was Peninnah. As Hannah was struggling to have children, Peninnah who had children, made fun of Hannah who could not. I Samuel 1:6 says, And her adversary (Peninnah) also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb. I Samuel 1:10 says, And she (Hannah)was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

I understand the bitterness of soul, though I do not physically have anyone tearing me down due to my infertility, I have an adversary the devil who torments me. Yesterday, the battle was on in my mind, and I had to take those thoughts captive to the obedience of CHRIST. It was hard, and at times I was listening to the enemy, until I realized they were lies! I know what the WORD says, so I was able to catch his lies. Praise GOD!

In the morning as soon as I read the results of the test, my soul went bitter. It immediately turned my excitement into bitterness. I did not want to attend Church, and I did not want to be around any one else, but I fought it and went. I am happy I did because, as I listened to the Pastor talk about Hannah, I looked up and began to cry. I knew GOD was talking straight to me. You see, Hannah went to the Temple to pray to GOD about her need for a child, and when she was done, she left her burden there with GOD. She trusted GOD! 1 Samuel 1:18 says, And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad. That is what I needed to do. I did go forward to pray, and I did feel a bit better, but I did not lay it totally down until this morning, but I did lay it down.

Today, I am doing much better! GOD is so wonderful! I am so glad that HE is the lover of my soul!

GOD Bless You!

16 comments:

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It must be so hard. I cannot really tell you how I feel, because I have not experienced it.

My husband and I have been been married for more than 7 years now. We wanted to have a child, but we have not been blessed by God with child yet.

Maybe I am not meant to be a mother.. only God knows! Sometimes it's hard and it's sad. But even though God won't give me a child, I will still love HIM!

May 11, 2009 at 6:24 PM  

Oh my... Don't fret... In God's good and beautiful time... Have a blessed day! Belated Happy Mother's Day!

May 11, 2009 at 8:49 PM  

I can't even say I understand, I can't even say know how it feels. I only know it is so hard but I am deeply encouraged that you still trusted the Lord. I hope I can have even a part of your faith.

I am only in my 3rd year of marriage, I had my check up 2 years ago and we found out I have PCOS. I am still praying I can be a mom someday.

Blessings to you!!

May 11, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

Donna, my dear sweet Sister,
I am crying with you! I however, want to encourage you! Ask God, what are you trying to show me? Then, get in his word and search.
I think you are right about the devil! Gosh, that dumb devil just keeps roaring around like an lion! Well, we know the outcome and the enemy is not the winner!
I want to leave you with this:
2 Timothy 1:3
I will be consistently praying for you!
God Knows Your Heart!

May 12, 2009 at 12:20 AM  

Hi donna! I hope you don't mind..I shared your story in my blog :) I hope many women out there will find encouragement too because you really are a strong woman.

May 12, 2009 at 12:57 AM  

it's my first time here. got here from rocks. you are a woman of faith and i believe God will reward you for your faithfulness. our God can do mighty things. hold on because our God is a good God. we don't know what can happen in a few months. just keep believing and praising God. your time will come. God bless.

May 12, 2009 at 1:13 AM  

I found your blog when I was "doing the drop" with Entrecard. My heart aches with you, because I have walked in your shoes. After being married now for 17 years, I have been blessed with a lovely adopted foster daughter and one biological son. Before I was finally able to carry a child full-term, I used to just cringe when I would even hear that someone I knew was expecting. It was just too hard...but God made the burden bearable, and in His good time, everything worked out for the best. I hope you have a great day!

May 12, 2009 at 6:08 AM  

Your faith is so encouraging, thank you for sharing your heart and your story. He will bind up the broken hearted-because you are loved with an everlasting love and underneath are His everlasting arms. (Do you know that the word verification letters I'm now being told to type in to post this comment are these)
bless
You are a blessing.
Love, Pam

May 12, 2009 at 9:50 AM  

Thank you all for your kind words! GOD Bless You All!

You know, I was thinking, my mansion is already full of children waiting for me to get there. I love that thought!

You all have truly blessed me today!

For those who are still waiting for children, do not give up, and keep faith in the one who is able to supply the gift of children. HE knows your hearts desire.

In CHRIST'S LOVE,
Donna

May 12, 2009 at 11:52 AM  

Wow. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I think I really needed to read this today because my 13 year old is driving me insane.

Then there are women like you who want nothing more than to have a child.

It really puts things into perspective.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

May 12, 2009 at 12:41 PM  

Aw, I had no idea about your pregnancy difficulties and my heart is heavy for you! I truly needed to read this post because I have been wallowing in bitterness, a friend of mine (merely 3 years older) found out she was pregnant with her FIFTH child on Mother's Day.

I admit, I was jealous. I've been trying to conceive this year but only ovulated twice (hence a main reason why I want to lose weight). But your post was a bittersweet reminder for me to appreciate my only son, a three year old who is quite the handful.

Thank you for using your testimony to help others, I know it helped me.

May 12, 2009 at 1:21 PM  

Martha,
I understand wanting more children. Before Brandon, I would sit and cry at diaper commercials! Sometimes after work when my heart was heavy, I would put on the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark and just cry unil I felt better. (if that makes sence)

I have had my share of pain in this area of my life, but GOD has shined down on me from above and has given me eternal life through HIS SON, and then trusted me enough to be the mom of other women's child. Wow! That is trust!

I am forever grateful for The 2 I have and will not give up hope for the chance to give birth myself.

I will pray for you my dear sister. For you to have another baby. I know GOD knows our desires of our hearts, and it is his desire for us to be fruitful and multifply. I am standing on that and believing in faith it will happen to you and me. :-)

Love sister!

In CHRIST's LOVE,
Donna

May 12, 2009 at 2:21 PM  

This is the nices story of a Mother like you. A true story of having complete trust in God and strong faith in Him. Keep the fire burning sis! Your story is an ecnouragement. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give all your heart's desires.

God Bless you!

May 12, 2009 at 3:21 PM  

Mikes,
Thank you so much for your encouragment! I am truly feeling GOD'S love though you all!

I feel GOD's strength within, it is all HIM...ALL HIM!!

GOD Bless You!

Your sister in CHRIST,
Donna

May 12, 2009 at 3:56 PM  

hi donna! oh yes :) what a beautiful scene it would be when we get to heaven.A mansion full of children..what a sight :)

May 13, 2009 at 2:37 AM  

Since Sunday, I have felt such love! I have sister's in CHRIST here at my CHURCH who came to help me, and all of you with all of your encouragement...WOW!! I am in extreme AWE!!!

Thank YOU GOD for loving me through your people!!! I love you soooo much!

I can not wait to meet you all in person in the KINGDOM!

A big ((((hug))))) to you all!!!

Your sister in CHRIST,
Donna

May 13, 2009 at 7:45 AM  

Newer Post Older Post Home

Blogger Template by Blogcrowds