My Christian Diary

Hello All, Grace and Peace be to you from our LORD JESUS CHRIST!

Yesterday, I had one of those emotional days where all I wanted to do was cry. I felt like a big baby, but I have to back up on the story for you to understand.

My husband and I have always wanted children, ever since our wedding almost 14 years ago. A few months after our wedding day, we found out we were pregnant, and we were so excited, but the excitement was short-lived, because I had a miscarriage. We were so devastated. With our hearts broken, we placed our trust in GOD, and decided to trek on, not letting the loss of our child, keep us drowning in the mire of despair.

Our journey to have a child continued, and with every new pregnancy, came a miscarriage. Nothing the doctors did would help my helpless babes. After 9 miscarriages, and many tests, nothing showed as to what was wrong with my body, all I knew was that my body was a death trap for my wee ones, and my heart was broken.

I have been pregnant a total of 11 times, but no live births, and again, we place our trust in GOD for comfort. We trust GOD with our lives, and though I do not fully understand it all, I know HE would not do this to me on purpose to be mean, there is a reason and I will understand it all one day.

We decided that adoption could be a way for us to grow our family. We investigated all possibilities and decided to do a private adoption. GOD led us to our first child Brandon. We adopted him at birth. What a joy it was when we drove home from the hospital that day.

He is almost 7 now, and is so enthusiastic for life. I am proud to be his mom. Then the LORD led us to Alyssa. She is almost 14 now, and has been in our family for little over a year. We are so happy to have these two wonderful children. They are a true blessing from ABOVE.

The military led us to Belgium. We are living in the best place for fertility, Belgium has the best experts over here. Do you think this is a coincidence? I think NOT! It is a GOD-INCIDENCE! I had been to the specialist and found out that my thyroid was creating antibodies, and they were attacking the fetus as if it were the flu, killing all my babies.

Last year, I had my thyroid removed, this year, I had fybroids removed. We are at a time where we can try again to have a baby on our own. YIPEEE!!!

OK, now onto my emotional Mother's Day!

Last week I was late on my monthly visitor, and I became so excited to think I was pregnant again, and this time, I might carry to full term! I waited until yesterday morning to test, and it said "NOT PREGNANT"! I was so hurt! I really thought I was pregnant! My friendly visitor arrived yesterday afternoon, and all I kept asking GOD was, "Why?" "Why on Mother's Day?" I was so emotional, I cried the whole day.

Then GOD whispered to me, "Do not be upset over the child you do not have, and celebrate the two you do have." I was taken aback! Wow! How could I let myself be dragged emotionally like that! The enemy is so sneaky! I have 2 amazing children, and if they are all I have, then I trust GOD with that. I know HE knows what is best for me in my life, plus, as a friend reminded me last night, GOD HAS A BETTER YES COMING.

I sometimes try to understand what GOD's plans are, but I believe, it is better to just simply trust, and obey. In 1 Samuel beginning in chapter 1, Hannah was married to a man named Elkanah. Elkanah had another wife too, her name was Peninnah. As Hannah was struggling to have children, Peninnah who had children, made fun of Hannah who could not. I Samuel 1:6 says, And her adversary (Peninnah) also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb. I Samuel 1:10 says, And she (Hannah)was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

I understand the bitterness of soul, though I do not physically have anyone tearing me down due to my infertility, I have an adversary the devil who torments me. Yesterday, the battle was on in my mind, and I had to take those thoughts captive to the obedience of CHRIST. It was hard, and at times I was listening to the enemy, until I realized they were lies! I know what the WORD says, so I was able to catch his lies. Praise GOD!

In the morning as soon as I read the results of the test, my soul went bitter. It immediately turned my excitement into bitterness. I did not want to attend Church, and I did not want to be around any one else, but I fought it and went. I am happy I did because, as I listened to the Pastor talk about Hannah, I looked up and began to cry. I knew GOD was talking straight to me. You see, Hannah went to the Temple to pray to GOD about her need for a child, and when she was done, she left her burden there with GOD. She trusted GOD! 1 Samuel 1:18 says, And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad. That is what I needed to do. I did go forward to pray, and I did feel a bit better, but I did not lay it totally down until this morning, but I did lay it down.

Today, I am doing much better! GOD is so wonderful! I am so glad that HE is the lover of my soul!

GOD Bless You!